LAST MONTH, I was minding my own business, walking through the streets of Capitol Hill with one of my favorite people, when I came upon a beacon of hope called the Pike Street Fish Fry. I really don’t normally care to write about restaurants and food reviews and that sort of thing, cause I have a good time cooking at home and I don’t obsess over service like a loser, so this isn’t gonna be that, but the whole place silently screamed “Nightly Noodle Monthly!” to my heart. They serve their fish sandwiches in a PAPER CUP, after it’s wrapped like a bouquet in paper, and the bread is spllt in half and positioned vertically like a fish coming up for air out of the water. And they place a fat piece of fried fish between the two breads and add a splash mound of royal-purple cabbage and then a splash of red sauce or light yellow sauce and I swear, this sandwich display is a piece of modern art that screams Frites-Stand-In-Belgium.

The Matt Damon poster on the wall with him making a constipated smile grimace and pointing his finger at the camera is echoed all around in a flurry of polaroids of staff members and friends posing in the same manner. The ceiling is low and made of wood, like in a ship. I walked in today and ordered a beer and talked to an employee about how all I wanna do is work at the Fish Fry. I’m sitting here right now typing this and thinking paranoid thoughts like Am I ruining my chances by sitting here? Is it weird that I’m not talking? And when I’m talking, I’m like is it weird that I’m talking? I’m all nervous like in high school, wondering if some shmoe loves me for me and that sort of thing. I’ve somehow scooted by so far paying minimal rent in a REALLY nice spot overlooking Lake Washington through a large window the size of the sun. I’m used to getting every job I apply for. It has never Not Happened. I’ve worked as a wicker-rattan-furniture repair girl, a produce slinger, an editor, a photographer, a muralist, a pianist, a cook, a dishwasher, a hostess, a busser, an illustrator, a retail associate, an art model, a writer, a consultant, a publisher, an assistant gallery director, a designer, a French goat-cheese maker, a French-bookstore shelf stocker, an art critic, a drummer and a barista. And I’m still totally in my twenties! So it’s like, what the heck, why is it so hard to get hired in Seattle? A friend was like, “It’s more who you know than what your experience is here, in general.” Maybe I’m just fated to run this blog into the sun and die somewhere in Africa once I get shipped out by the government for mind-control tactics cause I’m so jealous of L. Ron Hubbard and how he profits wonderfully off the stupidest people on the planet. “Oh, there’s something wrong with me, Scientology Representative? Please, take my blank check and charge me for all these auditing courses that will improve my ability to communicate.” Idiots.

FACT: People who speak out against the Church of Scientology are considered fair game to be destroyed. Even right now, Katie Holmes, who divorced Tom Cruise for wanting to send Suri on the same ship that years ago L. Ron Hubbard used to throw people off of for, say, handling a counseling technique incorrectly – even right now as you read this, Katie Holmes is being stalked by private investigators and plain-clothed scaremongerers hired by the Church of Scientology. For the record, the Noodle does not endorse conspiracy theories, which are naïve and stupid. Of course Armstrong went to the moon. Of course Oswald shot Kennedy. The evil behind Scientology is not a conspiracy theory. It is an extensively researched and well-documented fact. 

All the information in this article was taken from interviews with deflectors from the “Church” (it’s definitely not a church), undercover cameras. You can check any claim made in this article, it’s all accurate and becoming-common information.

The church mirrors the paranoid and schizophrenic nature of L Ron Hubbard’s personality, and behind his wide smile lay a taste for cruel punishment. Scientology is not an Abrahamic faith. Again, it’s just a front that uses the word “church.”

L. Ron Hubbard used to write science fiction and then he wrote a religion called Scientology. I am not making this up, this is true. The Noodle does not endorse conspiracy theories because the problem with conspiracy theories is there are too many people involved for it to go smoothly. Usually, a conspiracy theory means everyone in the government would have to agree, and that’s really naïve. I have studied so much about Scientology, and was once taken on a tour through the great golden palace headquarters in Clearwater, Florida, which also happens to be a city with major ties to human trafficking. Not connecting the two, but it’s worth pointing out, cause who knows? Maybe, for the sake of humoring this whim of a thought, scientologists in their Clearwater headquarters are directly involved with making Clearwater a hotspot for human trafficking. Cause what else is going on there? Nothing. There are BBC documentaries on YouTube on all of this. There’s an interview with Will Smith, usually sharp, bright, calls it like he sees it: But in this particular video, in which he is talking about his new connections with the “church” of scientology and Tom Cruise, he talks in this uncharacteristically robotic, confusing, long-winded manner where he is never really able to capture, with one clear sentence, a direct reason why Scientology makes any sense. No one is able to say why in any video, why this “religion” “works.” Tom Cruise talks this way about it too. People who describe Scientology sound like they’re grasping at straws, but some are clever like presidential candidates and they make you think they’ve answered a question but they haven’t. What’s so creepy is they don’t seem to realize they haven’t answered the question either. Scientology is creepy like the Twilight Zone, and there is good reason why Noodle staff’s hearts fill with black horror when we see those innocent-looking Scientology storefronts in unsuspecting towns; those tables outside of shops with tiny booklets about happiness and freedom and the danger of drugs, making it look like Scientology wants to help you. Those color ads in the back of the Weekly papers: It’s all a PR stunt to make people think there’s no reason to suspect that Scientology is inherently evil- which it 100% absolutely is.

This is how they work: They make you think there is something wrong with you. Many things wrong with you, and that they will help you in order for you to be clear to receive the true message (which doesn’t come of course, but only sends you down a bizarre course with more and more questions to uncover. They are systematically making you insane). They make you financially invested from the beginning, which is turn makes you a little more emotionally invested. They keep you loyal through blackmail. They have you, over time, as you become more and more brainwashed by the organization, reveal embarrassing secrets about yourself on paper, like the names of all your sexual partners, kinky things you’ve done, unspeakable things you’ve done – anything you wouldn’t reveal in normal conversation: this is a method of control, because if you try to leave the church, they can hold your dark past against you in personal smear campaigns to ruin your credibility. Because they don’t want anyone speaking out against them. Such a person is called a Suppressive Person, or S.P. 

And you’ve probably heard this before, and it’s also true — that Man was created when Xenu from some other planet sent a bunch of interplanetary souls into volcanoes and the hydrogen bonds bonded and here we are today with all this negative badness in our heads cause of mean ol’ Xenu, and they can totally clear that out for you if you want to make the financial investment. Even weirder than their explanation is that people would actually support this. Well, I guess once people are born into it and not given a real education, it’s easy to not be able to compare Scientology life with, say, reality.

The church reaches out to famous stars, and the stars give the church publicity and credibility. So far they’ve roped Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and possibly Will Smith for real (the horror!). Beck doesn’t necessarily count cause he was born into it. Scientology is ultimately a money-and-power-making PR campaign of stunning, epic proportions. All the energy goes to protecting the front,  while what goes on behind the doors is something totally scary.

Nothing to do with Scientology or the Fish Fry, but below is  our very funny Noodle correspondent on the East Coast, and, voila, we just had to post this photo – it’s all white and cream and just plain picture-perfect weird to find in natural life.

Here’s Janice’s personal account of her Scientology childhood, found at Xenu.com and ExScientologyKids.com: