Pete Domenici Just Died, Here's That Piece We Ran On His Lovechild Scandal

Years Ago A Little Bill Hearst Yellow Journalism, You Could Say

Hey everyone, did you read this? http://www.abqjournal.com/domenici.htm

Basically, former New Mexico Senator Pete Domenici acknowledged that he had a lovechild 30 years ago. Damian from the Noodle took a hard look at Pete’s and the mother’s statements. Enjoy!

 So there’s this guy named Pete Domenici. He was a New Mexico senator for roughly an eon, and he was a wrinkly pillar of unquestioned influence in a state that worships its leaders like Catholic icons rendered in overcooked tortillas, and then he retired in 2008 because his brain was falling off.

Anyway St. Pete announced yesterday that he fathered a child out of wedlock with the daughter of another senator 30 years ago and never told anyone and is really, like, omigod, sorry about it. Crazy sorry.

The story itself is pretty zany and all, but, because he was apparently trying to preempt some blackmail, Pete outed himself, issuing a statement paired with one from the mother, so, instead of wasting time talking about whether he’s a missionary man or a reverse-cowgirler, let’s take an annotated look at what the anointed little raisin had to say.

“More than 30 years ago, I fathered a child outside my marriage. The mother of that child made me pledge that we would never reveal that parenthood, and I have tried to honor that pledge and so has she.”

Waaiiit a minute. She

made

him pledge! I misunderstood this whole thing. It’s not that he concealed an out-of-wedlock lovechild from his family and the public that would certainly have spelled the end of his then-beginning career as a super-powerful lawdude; it’s that he was thwarted in his lifelong quest for truth and justice by a woman who

dared

exploit his sole weakness: an inability, no matter the stakes, to ever, ever break a pledge. Jezebel.

“I have been concerned about the burden of privacy on the son Adam Laxalt.”

What the fuck is a “burden of privacy?” Don’t people want privacy? Is privacy burdensome? Does anyone think, “Sigh, I want nothing more than to flaunt to the world my horrific rectal boils and ‘Golden Girls’-quoting nocturnal emissions, but, alas, I am burdened by all this privacy”?

Also, note the punctuation here. “(T)he son Adam Laxalt,” with no comma after “son,” implies that Adam is but one of Pete’s lovechildren. That’s really funny.

“… My family has been aware of these events for several months.”

That’s politician PR-speak for “They have known for a time interval greater than 32 days.”

“I only ask that everyone respect the privacy of my family and the son’s mother.”

Which is why I have named them both. Also, “the son” again? Pete, you old softy. Why not “the thing” or “her mistake” or “the fleshy mass said to have sprouted from my noble seed?”

Hahaha OK so Pete Domenici’s an asshole. Cool. But the statement-making doesn’t end there. Michelle Laxalt, mother of “the son,” put out some words of her own, and they are

infinitely

better crafted. Michelle, for the record, has had a very successful career as a lobbyist since forcing her evil pledge on an innocent man. So let’s see how good she is at staying on message.

“I come from a political family and learned early in life the value of privacy. I vowed that I would make personal decisions based not on politics, but on my values.”

#privacy

“This self-pledge was tested when one night’s mistake led to pregnancy more than 30 years ago.”

Hold the fuck up right there, Michelle.

1. “Self-pledge?” What other kind of pledge is there? Oh, that’s right: There’s also the kind of pledge one thrusts upon innocent Italian-Americans like a blanket at Ellis Island except the blanket is made of woven falseness and it’s at Ellis Lie-land. How do you sleep at night?

2. “(O)ne night’s mistake”? Hey, look, it’s none of my business how many times you or anyone else has seen the Saint’s scepter, but why point this out? I have to assume every last word in this statement was sweated on by a professional, so why make sure we, the miffed, know that you did the Domenasty just once? Also, damn, you two were fertile as hell in your day.

“I chose to go through with that pregnancy, although other choices were available.”

Oh that’s some pro shit right there. Obviously, being that this “one night’s mistake” resulted in “the son,” we already know that Michelle did not have an abortion, but pointing out that, yes, abortion is a thing that happens in real life, snatches back a little moral highgrounding mid mea-culpa. Savvy move.

Which reminds me: Pete’s statement really sucked.

“My interaction with my child’s father consisted of telling him my decision, asking that he avail himself for health-related purposes, and asking that he agree that this remain private between the two of us.”

“My child?” Is that the same as “the son?”

“Recently information has come to me that this sacred situation might be twisted, re-written out of whole cloth, and shopped to press outlets large and small in a vicious attempt to smear, hurt and diminish Pete Domenici, an honorable man, his extraordinary wife, Nancy, and other innocents.”

So it was one night’s

sacred

mistake, then? Here I think Michelle loses the plot a little. For one, no one writes with cloth, whole or otherwise. That’s stupid. Two, if a press outlet (large, small, slim-fit)

did

buy the story, that would no more smear, hurt or diminish Pete than disclosing it yourself does, right? Third, “Pete Domenici, honorable man.” No, Michelle; remember: We figured out he was an asshole a few paragraphs ago.

Nancy is probably innocent, though, yeah.

Marcella Ortega